Spiritual Abuse: The Voice of the Spiritually Abused

by Michael Krommendyk, Pastoral Counselor

Initially, when we hear the phrase “spiritual abuse,” our minds might drift to big stories like Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church in Seattle, or Bill Hybels and Willow Creek in Chicago. However, sadly, stories of spiritual abuse are more common and often more covert than ones that make the headlines.

The truth is, spiritual abuse can happen in any relationship where an individual misuses their spiritual authority to control, manipulate, or exploit another for their own purposes. While common instances come from pastors, ministry leaders, or church cultures, the same is true when it comes from a parent, spouse, or teacher who misuses their spiritual authority.

What then, does the voice of one who has experienced spiritual abuse sound like? 

The following is an amalgamation of a multitude of people who have shared their experiences in the church with me. This represents a small sample and varying degrees of what spiritual abuse might sound like and is not intended to be a litmus test for spiritual abuse.

“I am not sure I was free to be myself at my church. I felt like I was forced into a mold that was set by our ministry leader, and anytime I was outside of that mold, shame, correction and at times, condemnation were there to meet me. All the while, I was trying so hard to be a good Christian.”

“At my church it was not okay to ask questions about theology, the vision or direction of our church, the Bible, or even points from the leader’s sermon.”

“When my church found out that I had been impure in my sexuality, I was forced to go up in front of the congregation and confess my sin. I have never felt such shame in my life.”

“I felt like every Sunday the Bible was being used against me as a weapon.”

“We had a lot of rules for being a part of that ministry – things we could and could not do. However, I slowly began to realize that the leaders were not held to the same standard of living that we were. They were able to bend the rules as they pleased.”

“The conversation I just had with my ministry leader felt weird, awkward, and out of place. I can’t really put my finger on it – but it almost felt gross.”

“When I finally left that church, I felt excommunicated, shunned, and even like I became their enemy. No one ever approached me, sought to care for me, or checked in on me. I thought to move on from that local congregation meant I was also moving on from God.” 

“How can it be that the place where I once felt so much care and belonging, now be a source of so much pain in my life?”

These are the voices of people whose hearts long to be pastored. Amidst the brokenness in this world, they came to spiritual leaders in hopes of experiencing care, guidance, and rest. While these may be high expectations to place on any leader, they are nevertheless the longings we have to be shepherded.

Spiritual abuse is in our midst. The victims are sitting in our church pews, attending our campus groups and bible studies, serving in our ministries or on our church staff, or many have departed the Church or their faith altogether. They often find themselves on the fringes of Christian communities, questioning their beliefs, and struggling to trust church leadership again. They are left feeling hurt, isolated, helpless, fearful, and outside the love of God. The unfortunate truth is that the story of spiritual abuse is becoming all too common these days.

Pastors and ministry leaders, can you resist assuming this only happens in “high profile” ministries, but not yours? Can you approach this matter with humility and awareness and recognize that it is possible that spiritual abuse has crept into your community as well? There may be some in your ministry who would greatly benefit from such a posture.

Those who feel like you have suffered spiritual abuse, you do not need to walk through it alone. Your voice matters. It requires courage to share your story with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor. And if you need our help, ReStory Counseling is here for you.