Permission to Feel Conflicted Part 2: Honoring the Need to Protect
Last week, we named the neediness of the human condition, the collective prolonged state of distress we are in, and some of the ways you might find yourself responding as a result of the chronic stress. Today, I’d like to explore further one of the responses you might be experiencing: the need to protect.
Let’s back up and get a bit more context as to what I mean by the “need” to protect yourself. Human beings are wired with two distinct, yet interconnected systems: our attachment system and our defense system. Think of it this way: our attachment system is the set of behaviors, patterns, and responses to our physiological need to relationally connect to others, whereas our defense system is our set of physiological behaviors, patterns, and responses to help us survive and be protected from the real or perceived threat or danger. In an ideal world, these two systems work together to ensure our survival: both our literal survival, as well as our emotional and social flourishing. Ideally, our relationships with other people help to protect us from danger or are a safe haven from external threats.
However, I don’t have to convince you that sometimes things are not “ideal.” In fact, rather than working together, these two systems often come in direct conflict with one another: choosing survival might mean choosing disconnection or choosing connection might mean danger.
Some current examples might include:
The need for physical contact through a hug, embrace, or handshake (attachment) vs. the need to socially distance in a pandemic (defense).
The need for comfort when you are sad (attachment) vs. the need to protect yourself from an expectation of demeaning words or a diminishing of your experience (defense).
The need to see a kind smile of another to get through your day (attachment) vs. the need to cover your face to be protected from the COVID-19 virus (defense).
...need I say more?...
In cases where your own systems are in conflict, you might find you have the tendency or bias towards either connecting (attachment) or protecting (defense). Neither of these are “wrong” or “bad.” We need both systems to survive and thrive. However, sometimes harm can arise when we favor one or the other too much, too long, or not enough (see last week’s post on the definition of trauma).
Sometimes favoring “protection” can lead to…
Withdrawing from others/Isolating
Irritability towards others
Mistrust
Feeling numb
Dissociating
Engaging in substance use
Etc.
While I’m not making a moral statement claiming that any of the above are “wrong,” I am suggesting that perhaps those might not be the best ways to protect yourself in the long run. Rather than feeling the urge to engage in protective behaviors, I invite you to have the agency to consciously choose to engage in these behaviors when it feels necessary (which might not be as often- or as little- as you initially thought!).
This brings us to name a few ways to safely protect yourself during this COVID-19 season and beyond:
Find a private space to have some solitude for either prayer, meditation, a good cry, or listening to a podcast (this space might be your car, your bathroom, or any place you can find solace in a house full of remote learners and workers).
Give yourself a hug. Seriously. This helps you to feel both held and protected without even needing to engage in physical touch with another.
Try out some yoga poses that encourage the body to close inward, such as forward folds, child’s pose, etc.
Set a timer and give yourself a “time-out break” from engaging with your family or any extended visitors you might have over the holidays. Seriously. Even adults need a time-out to reset.
And although these few options might not solve the underlying issues, that can help restore agency and choice as to how you engage in protective behaviors to honor your defense system. Next week, the final blog post in this series will cover more about the attachment system and ways to safely connect in this season.
Want to learn more about any of the geeky psychological information that therapist Sam Alvis has to say and how RC might be able to come alongside you in this season? Click here to learn more...