The Campaign for Being Needy: 4 Ways to Find True Relationship

By Kevala Kenna

All nine months of 2020 thus far have put our sanity and hearts to the test in untenable and unprecedented ways. Isolation, loneliness, depression, loss and crisis are woven into the fabric of our days with a bigger presence than we know how to wrap our minds around. If there has ever been a time where we have needed each other more, we don’t know of it.

Grievously, finding comfort, connection, and the kind of intimacy that heals doesn’t always feel easy on a good day, never mind during global upheaval.

We live in an individualistic American culture that has weaponized and vilified the state of being in great need, the idea of being needy. Certainly, against own ourselves and also at times judgmentally towards each other.

For most of us, the word conjures painful memories of being in raw and vulnerable seasons; Times where we’ve been in pain and shut down our longing for others for fear of being “needy” or where we’ve reached out only to feel like we were too much. Invariably, we couple neediness with a feeling of shame. There is a false narrative in our culture that to ‘emotionally need’ is to be weak, less than, to own that there is something wrong with us, that we can’t get it together.

This is a relational tragedy. When did it become repulsive to be human? To be soft? To be whole people who contain both fierce strength and beautiful amounts of tenderness and need?

I’m lonely. I’m afraid. I feel like there is nothing redeemable about me today. It’s the human experience just as much as joy and triumph and yet we treat it like the dirty secret in the closet.

Life is exquisite and excruciating, both. We will be, whether we like it or not, conquering giants and desperately needy souls, both.

So, we’re calling it quits. 

 

We declare a campaign for the reclamation of neediness.

We can’t and weren’t meant to do it alone. A fear of being needy keeps us from finding each other and receiving the best of what God offers us: true relationship.  When we find each other we get to offer each other—REST, RENEWAL, RESPITE.

It is risky, always, to be vulnerable, we know. Consider this a learned skill and be intentional. Test it out, start small with people you have the highest level of trust with already. Instead of sitting in silent misery and hiding for fear of what others might think, it’s okay to say:

“I’m lonely, will you come over?”

“I’m sad again (for like the millionth time), can you listen?”

True“I’m terrified, can I have a hug?”

And it’s OKAY, if you’ve already said it eighteen times this month.

Most importantly to the success of this endeavor? These key points:

1. Expect mixed results. Know that it won’t always go well, and that this can be okay, too. Not everyone will have capacity at any given point, not because they don’t care about you, but because they are human, too. We won’t hold it against them. Prepare yourself for the reality of risk to include both the fruit of your bravery, and also disappointment. Don’t let the ability of the other dictate your relationship with your need. They are not related.

2. Be resourceful. One person will never be able to be your one-stop-shop. Be willing to invite more than one person to meet you where you are if required. Be creative. Maybe what you are longing for can actually be met by your hairdresser (to be touched), your neighbor (a favor completed) or your grandmother (to be nurtured).

3. Trust others to be strong enough to set boundaries and own their “no”.  One of the biggest barriers can be the fear of needing something and hearing a “no”.  Again, because of our societal norms, this at times reads as rejection and shame flourishes. However, this is actually wonderful news—receiving a no. It means that we can trust our people to know their own capacity and to never say “yes” to anything that will be beyond their own means. When others say “yes” for the wrong reasons they end up harboring resentment and bitterness at being overextended. Trust your friends and family to know themselves and cheer for their choice in their response. Whether it is yes or no, believe it is good, and they are for you in all the healthiest ways.  So ask away, with bravery and without hesitance, and hold both possible answers as positive.

4. Refuse to give into shame, banish self-contempt. It doesn’t matter if everyone hasn’t joined the campaign—be the trend setter. Surround yourself with people who get it and are psyched to sign up for their own sweet selves. Shame is what binds us to isolation and self-contempt is what will ruin us. Have the biggest heart for your own need and those around you and trust that others will realize what they are missing and follow. Make an “I’m Needy” t-shirt and wear it proud.

We are with you.

Learn more about Kevala here.