Domestic Violence: The Silent Epidemic in the Midst of the Pandemic
A letter to victims of domestic violence
Dear one,
I see you. You are valuable. You matter.
You are bombarded with messages like ‘Stay safe, Stay home’ but your home is not a safe place, and because of COVID-19, being outside of your home also isn’t safe. Your home feels like a jail, and you feel like a prisoner. You used to find pockets of rest and safety at work or school, but now you are confined to being home, with your abusive partner. Your life before COVID-19 was already stressful, but now everything is exacerbated and you feel like you are in a pressure cooker.
Your abusive partner is monitoring you even closer now and you feel like you are under a microscope. They are experiencing much loss, as are you. They may have lost their job, or are concerned they will in the future. They feel angry, anxious, and desperate for control. Lundy Bancroft said that “Abusive men don’t lose control. They choose to lash out in an attempt to gain control.” So, his lashing out at you is an attempt to gain some control again.
How do I know this?
I too was a victim of domestic violence, and am now a survivor of it.
In this time of need, I would like to offer four thoughts to consider and four questions to reflect upon.
4 Things Victims of Domestic Violence Feel:
1. You feel isolated. You need connection with trusted people. Consider which friend(s) you can reach out to. Consider which family members you can find support with. Consider seeing a therapist. “Abuse thrives in silence and isolation, and when people aren’t connected to hearing other voices, it can give an abuser a lot more control.”*
2. You feel destabilized. You need stability and peace internally. The world outside and inside your home feels out of control. However, there are a number of things that you can do to increase your internal stability. Consider journaling to process your thoughts and feelings. Practice deep breathing. Select free meditations from Headspace. Listen to music. Spend time in prayer and the Word, express what you are feeling, listen to your own heart, and listen to what the Lord is saying. Write a list of what hasn’t changed recently. Name your strengths, gifts and hopes.
3. You feel suffocated. You need space. Take any opportunity to be alone that you can get. This could be taking a trip to the grocery store, pharmacy, getting gas, going for a walk, or even taking a shower. Utilize your alone time to make phone calls, send text messages/emails, and other things that you can’t do when you are around your abusive partner. If need be, reach out for help from someone at the pharmacy or store.
4. You feel afraid and helpless. You need safety and support. You are afraid to stay at home because of the danger there. You are also afraid to leave home because you don’t want to contract COVID-19, and you don’t want to expose others if you are an asymptomatic carrier. You are in such a bind and there is a risk no matter what you do. The question is which risk do you want to manage or can you manage? Even though we are in a time of quarantine there are still essential services available to you.
If you are in a crisis situation please call 911, however making a phone call at that time may be more dangerous. In this situation silence your phone and text “Domestic Assault” to 911. Give them your address and let them know if your abusive partner has access to any weapons.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 in over 200 languages. You can reach them by calling 1-800-799-7233, texting “Loveis” to 22522, or by chatting with them here. There are numerous resources on their website also.
I highly encourage you to create a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that helps you plan out ways to remain safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you’ve left. You can learn more about safety plans here, and you can find an interactive guide to safety planning here. In some states you can now apply for a protection order online.
4 Questions to Ask Yourself if You Are a Victim of Domestic Violence:
What do you know and now see more clearly because of this situation?
What do you want?
What do you and your children need?
What do you need to do?
You may be wondering if anyone sees or hears you. I am reminded that when Hagar was in the wilderness God met her there, and she named God “El-Roi”, the God who sees. Know that El-Roi sees you now, and loves you deeply. Know that I am praying for you. Know that this is not the end of your story.
Love,
Sarah Kardelen
*Kelly Starr, director of Public Affairs for the Washington Coalition against Domestic Violence
Sarah Kardelen is a licensed therapist in the Seattle area. She received her BA in Education from Michigan State University and her MA in Counseling Psychology from The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology. While in graduate school she focused her research on the topic of domestic violence. She is passionate about the intersection of psychology, theology, culture and creativity.