Understanding Emotional Unavailability in Marriage: The Trauma Behind the Behavior
Think of it this way: just like addiction, emotional unavailability isn't about the surface-level behavior itself. It's a response to something deeper, a way of coping with emotions or past traumas. When you reach for that tub of ice cream or binge-watch Netflix after a tough day, it's not because you're addicted to those things. Instead, it's about finding a way to escape, numb out, or distance yourself from something deeper inside.
Emotional unavailability works similarly. It's often a response to past traumas, especially those that occurred during childhood. These traumas made feeling and expressing emotions feel unsafe or unacceptable. Maybe it was an angry coach, a harshly scolding parent, or a tragic event. Whatever the cause, the message was clear: Emotions were not welcome.
In these situations, a child might learn that shutting down their emotions is safer than expressing them. To them, stopping feelings altogether is preferable to facing more anger, abuse, or neglect. This survival strategy becomes deeply ingrained and carried into adulthood. Emotional unavailability becomes a default response to emotions.
It's important to remember that emotional unavailability is not a conscious choice your spouse is making to keep you out. They love you and desire connection, but when emotions arise, that subconscious trauma response kicks in, causing them to shut down. It's crucial to approach this issue with curiosity rather than anger. Instead of demanding their presence, try to understand what's going on beneath the surface.
Here are some steps to bridge the gap with your emotionally unavailable spouse:
1. Cultivate curiosity: Whether through journaling, prayer, or conversations with a trusted friend or therapist, seek to understand what might be triggering your spouse's emotional unavailability. What lies beneath their reluctance to engage emotionally?
2. Communicate openly: When the time is right, have a calm and non-confrontational conversation with your spouse about their emotional unavailability. Let them know that you're there to support them and create a safe space for their emotions.
3. Seek professional help: Consider couples therapy or individual therapy for both you and your spouse. A trained therapist can guide you through this process and help address the underlying traumas.
4. Be patient: Healing takes time. Understand that your spouse may need time and support to feel safe enough to open up emotionally.
In conclusion, emotional unavailability is often a trauma response rooted in past experiences. It's not a deliberate choice your spouse is making to distance themselves from you. By approaching the issue with curiosity, empathy, and a willingness to support their healing journey, you can work together to create a more emotionally connected and fulfilling marriage.