by Leslie Coy, MA, LPCC

The last couple of weeks we have explored a bit around the places that single parenting leaves us tender. I am more than aware that those conversations just begin to scratch the surface, so please hear me when I say that I know there is more. While we cannot conduct an exhaustive examination of the reality of single parenting in this space, my hope is that you leave feeling a bit more seen and a touch more hopeful. What I’d like to do is end this series with ideas that could help you make your life as a single parent just a bit easier. So, in no particular order of importance, here are some ideas to consider:

• Play the long game. Realize that parenting in general is a marathon. It takes twenty some odd years to realize the fruits of our efforts. If you are stuck in a frustrating season with a kiddo, remind yourself that all seasons eventually shift and that consistency will eventually win the day. Embedded in this is the need to sort out which hills are important enough to die on. You are already more than aware that time and energy are at an all-time premium…and some things just aren’t worth it. All the grace, my friend.

• Expectations. This idea flows from the first. Having appropriate expectations for and of our kids, taking into account both age and developmental stage, is an important step towards connection and flourishing, not to mention reducing stress.

• Work yourself out of a job. Part of playing the long game is gradually handing over the reins. As your child grows and matures, she should be assuming more responsibility.  You do not have the luxury of being a “helicopter parent”. This can look like making her own lunch, doing her own laundry, not needing reminders to finish homework, and taking care of pets. Again, this should be individualized, taking into consideration both developmental needs and family culture.  

• Build a family culture that creates a felt sense of belonging and unity. You and your children are a team. You are in this together. Yes, the majority of the responsibilities necessarily land on you, the adult. I’m not talking about parentification or placing a child in the role of an adult. But a healthy team culture can and will lend itself to stability and resilience. Overall, I’ve learned that the best way to do this is by ensuring we all work together and play together. Working together builds a sense of competence and contribution. Play acts as a bonding agent, a bit like super glue. Perhaps a Saturday might involve all of us cleaning out the garage, then splurging on a delivery pizza and a movie on the couch. Play can come in small moments as well, such as a shared joke or singing really loud together to a favorite song in the car. Don’t be afraid to get silly…it’s good for you too.

• Make the most of the white space in your calendar. Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my kids are while they are captive audiences in the car, or while we’re cooking dinner together. We have to do those things anyway, so let’s make the most of it.

• Shrink your space. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Your rhythm and routine needs to work for you. It needs to be sustainable and, hopefully, life-giving. If it’s not, let’s talk. There are many ways this can take shape. Meals are a great place to start. For some reason the planning, shopping, cooking, and clean-up takes all day long! On repeat! Because they eat. So. Much. Your new best friend is the slow cooker, or one pot meals. Scrambled eggs and whole grain toast is a perfectly acceptable and healthy meal. Some nights we do “snack night” with lots of popcorn and whatever else I can come up with (cheese and crackers, veggies and dip, etc.) And you know what? They love it. Another potential point of crazy is extracurricular activities. Perhaps the kids could all participate in the same activities (AWANA clubs, youth groups, and martial arts are good options here.) You may also consider, if your job allows it, seeing how many hours a week you could work from home.

• Define your community and then lean into it. The short end of this, is that you can’t do it alone. Parenting was never meant to be a lone ranger venture. It’s hard. Know who your people are. One of the hardest things you will ever do is learn to ask for and receive help, but it is oh so necessary. I promise you are still a contributing member of society.  Seriously, this is one of the biggest sticking points for a lot of people, and if the thought of asking for help makes you break out in hives, let’s get in touch and explore what might be happening for you.  

• Know what’s available. Because you can’t do this alone, know that there are many resources out there that are designed to give you a leg up. I know that finances are almost always an issue in a single parent household, so this site Financial Help For Single Parents: Benefits, Grants & Programs (debt.org)  has a bevy of resources to check out. And the next biggest need is community, so you might look here Single & Parenting - Single-parent support groups, ministry & parenting tips - Single & Parenting (singleandparenting.org), as well as your local community group or church.

This is just a start. I'd love to hear from you and perhaps collaborate on a more exhaustive list.  What works for you? What doesn’t? I look forward to hearing from you.