by Sam Alvis, LPCC

Our human neediness isn’t just a description of our dependency or a philosophical commentary on the human condition: it is literally a physiological mechanism woven into the fabric of our very bodies and nervous systems. We each have our own unique history and relationship with the words “neediness” or “needs.” You might think that you can overpower your needs or that they aren’t significant, that you are not allowed to have needs or that they’re a waste of time. Maybe you’ve learned to accept the needy condition that accompanies your humanity or you’ve learned to trust that others can meet your needs. Whatever the historical context is for you, one thing is certain:

2020 has tested your needs.

Maybe it’s your need for alone time and solitude when everyone is working from home and cramped into the same four walls. Or perhaps it’s your need for social connection in your singleness as the ways you experienced connection before continue to be shut down due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. Maybe it’s your financial needs as you’ve faced employment stressors or the need for margin as your emotional capacity to handle what seems to be a never-ending crisis after crisis. 

2020 has been a prolonged state of trauma on our human bodies and brains. One definition of trauma I have found to be helpful- particularly in this year- is that trauma is: “what happens to a person where there is either too much too soon, too much for too long, or not enough for too long” (Duros & Crowley, 2014, p. 238).

Think about that.

As you sit with that thought for a moment, what comes up for you?

Emotionally? What do you feel when you consider the not enoughness or too muchness you’ve experienced in this year and in seasons prior?

Physically? What do you notice in your body as you feel the weight of these thoughts and emotions? A tightness in your chest? A numbness or sinking feeling wash over you or from within you?

You might notice that you want to lean into this recognition, or to run away from this experience, or to shutdown altogether. Each are completely normal and common responses in their own right. In fact, these reactions are directly linked to your nervous system’s need to both connect and protect.

Today, I’d like to invite you to receive permission for any and all responses you’ve noticed in yourself- particularly as 2020 continues on. Maybe you’re desperate for human connection, but fearful of reaching out and feeling burdensome. Maybe you’re longing for meaningful time with others, but are so burnt out that you’ve shut yourself off from others in honor of self-preservation and protection. Physiologically, the body can only handle so much prolonged stress, anxiety, and fear before it literally shuts down, taking the form of numbness, feeling detached from your body, emotions, and others, and/or feeling disconnected from your life. 

Wherever and however you find yourself: Receive permission. 

Stay tuned over the next two weeks, as I’ll share with you some practical ways to honor each of these seemingly conflicting responses and to still stay engaged in your body, your relationships, and your life. We’ll talk about ways to safely connect over the holidays, as well as ways to safely protect yourself: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Did these words resonate deeply with you? Want to learn more about how counseling can be a space to sift through all that you are navigating? Learn more about working with Sam Alvis.)